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Virtual-Lancaster's Guide for Extra-Terrestrial Visitors

Author: 
Chris Satori

Friendly extra-terrestrials can be sure of a warm welcome in Lancaster & Morecambe. You'd be the first, officially anyway, so greetings!

Arrival
We have a lovely quiet airfield at Cockerham. Our coastal and rural areas have many excellent landing sites. Choose your pitch, and while you bang in the chocks we'll get the kettle on. The whitish, woolly creatures are sheep. They are harmless.

Accommodation
Should you have any special environmental requirements just have a chat with our boffins at Lancaster University who will do their utmost to set you up with a comfortable habitat. Or check out our visitors' accomodation guide.

Food & Drink
The area has diverse food production methods in operation and hopefully we can satisfy any special dietary requirements, although it's wise to book ahead to avoid disappointment.  
We have numerous breweries and are sure to have a recipe to your taste. Check out our Guide to eating out in the area. Vegetarians and Vegans widely catered for. 

Quarantine
We'd hate for you to catch a cold. Making each other ill could be an awkward ice-breaker. See our health section for more info and advice. It includes a wide and adaptive range of complementary therapists who will soon have your aura glowing again. 

Things to do and see
You've come to the right place. University city Lancaster and its sister seaside resort Morecambe have a vibrantly diverse and tolerant population and there are attractions and events to suit all tastes, moods, pockets and access requirements (on which we particularly pride ourselves). If you are a Dalek you will cope. Lots of events are free (and a bona-fide ET would probably get in free anyway).

Differences
Inexperienced travellers often keep comparing everything they see to what they remember from home. But what if things are very different? 

Well this is what travel is all about. You certainly don't have to buy into everything you come across but try to keep an open mind and see things in their own context. 

You may find some aspects of this disturbing at first. Or exciting. This is sometimes called 'culture-shock'. It's very common in globe-crossers in every direction so ETs may well be bemused. It's important to give yourself time to get your head around all the changes before jumping to conclusions. And please don't take it personally. 

A different culture and setting can be a wonderful opportunity in the discovery of self. Some people say you can't solve your problems by running away from them, but if they're only problems in the place you leave, maybe you can. 

Friends
Friendship is very important to us. Mutual interests can help to form a bond. Our community is a rich, living network of such bonds. There are lots of local interest groups where you can join others in a common interest, activity or cause. To make friends, check out our wonderful events calendar where you can find a very wide range of gatherings to suit (almost) every interest and ability. Many of our local conspiracy theorists have been expecting you and meeting you should really brighten them up. 

Sex
Adult Lancastrians express their sexuality in many ways, as is their lawful right and custom. 

A handy rule of thumb is to remember that as an adult you are responsible for your own behaviour and its consequences. In the North it is easy to run short of essential Vitamin D (from sunlight) and so we need to bare some skin and soak it up when we get the chance. In many cases we have made an art from necessity. If you are suddenly seeing body parts you have only previously come across in your special interest magazines, remind yourself that all body parts on all humans, regardless of condition, are private and exclusive and must be respected as such. That way we can all get on with our lives in mutual trust. Don't stare, it's considered creepy. 

If you find someone pleasing to your eye, remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and do not interpret this effect as a sexual invitation. You must ask clearly before proceeding.  Circumstances change and consent can be withdrawn again at any point. If you don't want to have sex, you don't have to - even if you were all for it earlier. Without mutual consent throughout, by all parties involved, sex cannot legally proceed in the UK. The legal and social consequences for sex offenders are severe and being from another planet will not excuse you.
Consent is really too low a bar. One should hold out for enthusiasm. 

A person who is under 16 years of age cannot legally give consent, regardless of how enthusiastic you may believe them to be. 
A person who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs or has a mental disability may not be considered legally capable of giving valid consent. 

Refusals, given with good or bad grace, must be immediately honoured, without any ungraceful displays of anger or pique, even if it hurts. Chin up, as we Brits say. If you can't trust yourself to do that, hang back and seek professional advice today. It is harassment to physically or verbally sexually pester an unwilling person and may give rise to life-changing legal consequences. 

Precautions against infection or unplanned parenthood are widely available (fyi Asda is open all night except Sundays) and necessary for all parties. Heterosexual sex is how humans make babies. Human babies grow and learn slowly and require many, many, many long and costly years of intensive care and training before they can function independently, if ever. If your intercourse produces a baby you will be legally held financially responsible for it throughout this period even if you have never seen it. 

Precautions may require a little private or team practice to get used to. But it is tragic for humans to have sex 'with' beings they don't feel even a little protective toward, or who don't feel protective towards them, and could result in herpes or worse. We would like your stay at our end of the galaxy to be a comfortable one. 

Now you are all set for your visit!
Please don't forget to post your reviews here and share your ideas for how we can make the place even better. We'd love to hear from you and how you found us. 

 

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